So you're thinking of moving to Providence, Rhode Island? Who wouldn't, with all it has to offer - excellence in higher education, traditional country values, a rising economy sector. But beneath that pleasant veneer lies the harsh reality of life in a troubled, decaying city. Some people are able to stay out of harm's way through careful research, but many others don't learn the truth until it's too late. Before making any decisions about you and your family's future, consider these eight dark secrets about Providence, and then stay right where you are - not in Providence.
1. Rising Economy Sector
Economics are on the rise in Providence, which means higher profits for you and your small business. But once all that dough starts rolling in, you'll have to find new and increasingly tiny spaces to hide your cash from robbers. Many residents have begun storing their money in offshore cash containment systems, but good luck finding one that isn't infected with bacteria.
2. Bees
Everyone knows that Providence is full of bees. If you move there, you'll be stung for sure, possibly multiple times a day. Sure, a protective bee suit or business netting can help you live a normal, happy life. But all that netting will send your dry cleaning bills through the roof, and then - hole in the roof, allowing more bees into the house.
3. Crimetown, Season 1
Think you'll be safe in the happy, heavily-policed confines of Providence? Think again. Crimetown is a podcast covering the most crime-ridden cities in the world, and guess who came in number one? That's right - Orlando, FL. But Providence was number two. Once in Providence, you'll be subjected to ridicule, name-calling, pantsings, shirtlings, and other forms of violent crime so ruthless, you'll wish you never stepped foot inside the futuristic space pod that teleported you there.
4. Everything Is Covered In Corn Chips
All set to move into your new home in Providence? Well you'd better grab a shovel because that new place is sure to be covered in a several-foot-deep layer of salty, awkwardly-shaped corn chips. And we don't mean the nice organic corn chips they sell at whole foods - these ones are just cheap Fritos knockoffs and probably stale from sitting out so long, so you can just forget about eating your way inside.
5. John Wayne Gacy
John Wayne Gacy committed a series of grisly murders from 1972 to 1978 in his home in Chicago, repeatedly subduing victims under the pretense of performing a magic trick or silly clown joke. Scientists are divided as to whether Gacy ever lived or visited Rhode Island, but they have yet to rule it out. If you move to Providence, it's just a matter of time before Gacy unleashes his army of bees on your neighborhood, subjecting you to several stings, or - worse - an unsightly rash.
6. Nanners
Nanners? Nanners. Sounds fine at first. But how many nanners? Too many nanners. Now you got nanners in the drawers, nanners in your satchel, nanners in the overhead compartment, right next to the dinglers and crawdads. Might as well make yourself a nanners sandwich with all these nanners. My wife left me.
7. Poison
Crazy Dr. Insane has escaped from the asylum and seized control of the National Poison Center, located in Providence's up-and-coming Jewelry District. No one knows what sort of diabolical schemes he has up his sleeve this time, but with access to all that poison, he has all of Providence on high alert. If even a tiny bit of the poison breaches its delicate metal tank casings, residents could be stricken with diarrhea or an unsightly rash.
8. Dave Matthews Band
Have you heard the Dave Matthews Band song So Much To Say? Well get ready to hear it all day, everyday, because that's the only song they play in Providence. To make matters worse, Dave Matthews Band performs there constantly, resulting in even louder renditions of So Much To Say, some of which include unpleasant augmented jam sections. Note that DMB jams in a jazz-style format, incorporating extended solos for each member of its 14-piece band. And don't even think about buying earplugs, on account of the foam shortage. Just a few seconds of that terrible song will have you running for the hills, exposing you to poison ivy, insect rash, and head yeast.
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