14 Health Hacks For A New, Healthier You In 2014!

We're two weeks into the new year, which means your new year's resolution has probably been broken. Fortunately, there are a few tips that can help improve wellness and lead to a new, healthier you!

1. Take A Shit

Persons who make bowel movements are shown to be in far better health than those who do not.

2. Soak Your Hair In Olive Oil

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Preheat oven and cook at 350 degrees each side, stirring occasionally. Marinate overnight with herbs and spices for added flavor. Add zest for added zest.

3. Roll Around In Your Own Filth

Unknown via Wikimedia Commons / cc-by-2.0

Perhaps you've heard that pigs are the cleanest animals on the planet. Way cleaner than humans. What's their secret? Turns out it's no secret at all - they lay and bathe in a pool of wet, muddy grossness and excrement all day long. Rolling in filth is increasingly being embraced by progressive hygienists in the U.S. and abroad.

4. Eat An Entire Cake

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Scientists have proved unequivocally that eating an entire cake is bad for your health. And everyone knows that science is wrong about everything and/or does not exist. Therefore, eating a whole cake in one sitting improves wellness by 300%.

5. Unjustly Invade Foreign Land, Fall In Love With Enemy Female, Learn Their Ways, Risk Everything And Join Their Side

Photo / 20th Century Fox via Wikimedia Commons

Photo / Tig Productions via Facebook

Sure, your peers are fighting an unjust war. But you've got a heart of gold, and love has shown you the path of righteousness.

6. Store Several Loaded, Cocked Guns In Every Bed In Your Home

Guns deter burglars and solicitors. And having them loaded and ready to fire reduces the time it will take to shoot at enemies. Remember: the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with several guns stowed near children.

7. Pretend to Wash Your Hands

Lance Cpl. Casey Jones [PD] via Wikimedia Commons

Why spend all that time and energy washing your hands when you can just pretend? Washing your hands only rids them of harmless bacteria like e. coli and hepatitis. Before exiting the bathroom following a huge diarrhea, just run the water for a couple seconds and get your hands wet - anyone in the vicinity will totally think that you washed them! Suckers!

HINT: Here's a tip - to save even MORE time, don't even turn the water on. Just make a hand washing motion in the area of the sink.

8. Garnish Your Next Meal With Trash

Cost-effective AND delicious, nothing spruces up those boring family dinners like trash!

9. Find Buried Treasure

diggin4treasure.org

Studies have shown that wealthy = healthy. And what better way to get rich quick than finding buried treasure? The ground is filled with hidden gold and jewels, just waiting to be discovered.

10. Scare-elephant

Scott

You've heard of scarecrows. But how many times has your home actually been raided and destroyed by crows? Probably once or twice, at the most. Seems like we're practicing a disproportionate amount of crow-prevention while ignoring other potential risks. What about elephant stampedes? It's one of those things you don't think about until it happens. And what animals are elephants famously afraid of? That's right - squirrels. Install a few of these squirrel replicas on your property to ward off unwanted elephants.

11. Seduce And Blackmail Foreign Dignitary

Mykhailo Markiv/Reuters

Studies have shown that wealthy = healthy. And what better way to get rich quick than seducing and blackmailing a high-profile foreign dignitary?

12. I Tried Burrowing A Hole In The Ground For Shortcut To China But It Didn't Work

Looneyboo

This is a common misconception. I emerged in Russia instead.

13. Stow A Live Tuna In The Overhead Compartment

Facebook: Marc Towers

Tuna makes for a great mid-flight snack on those long journeys to see your secret wife and family in South America.

14. E-Mail Long, Impassioned Racist Diatribes To Co-Workers

A safe and effective way to blow off steam and reduce stress, thereby increasing wellness. Be sure to refer to anyone with a different ethnic background as "you people".