Top 8 Reasons Not To Move To Providence, Rhode Island

So you're thinking of moving to Providence, Rhode Island? Who wouldn't, with all it has to offer - excellence in higher education, traditional country values, a rising economy sector. But beneath that pleasant veneer lies the harsh reality of life in a troubled, decaying city. Some people are able to stay out of harm's way through careful research, but many others don't learn the truth until it's too late. Before making any decisions about you and your family's future, consider these eight dark secrets about Providence, and then stay right where you are - not in Providence.

1. Rising Economy Sector

Economics are on the rise in Providence, which means higher profits for you and your small business. But once all that dough starts rolling in, you'll have to find new and increasingly tiny spaces to hide your cash from robbers. Many residents have begun storing their money in offshore cash containment systems, but good luck finding one that isn't infected with bacteria.

2. Bees

Everyone knows that Providence is full of bees. If you move there, you'll be stung for sure, possibly multiple times a day. Sure, a protective bee suit or business netting can help you live a normal, happy life. But all that netting will send your dry cleaning bills through the roof, and then - hole in the roof, allowing more bees into the house.

3. Crimetown, Season 1

Think you'll be safe in the happy, heavily-policed confines of Providence? Think again. Crimetown is a podcast covering the most crime-ridden cities in the world, and guess who came in number one? That's right - Orlando, FL. But Providence was number two. Once in Providence, you'll be subjected to ridicule, name-calling, pantsings, shirtlings, and other forms of violent crime so ruthless, you'll wish you never stepped foot inside the futuristic space pod that teleported you there.

4. Everything Is Covered In Corn Chips

All set to move into your new home in Providence? Well you'd better grab a shovel because that new place is sure to be covered in a several-foot-deep layer of salty, awkwardly-shaped corn chips. And we don't mean the nice organic corn chips they sell at whole foods - these ones are just cheap Fritos knockoffs and probably stale from sitting out so long, so you can just forget about eating your way inside.

5. John Wayne Gacy

John Wayne Gacy committed a series of grisly murders from 1972 to 1978 in his home in Chicago, repeatedly subduing victims under the pretense of performing a magic trick or silly clown joke. Scientists are divided as to whether Gacy ever lived or visited Rhode Island, but they have yet to rule it out. If you move to Providence, it's just a matter of time before Gacy unleashes his army of bees on your neighborhood, subjecting you to several stings, or - worse - an unsightly rash.

6. Nanners

Nanners? Nanners. Sounds fine at first. But how many nanners? Too many nanners. Now you got nanners in the drawers, nanners in your satchel, nanners in the overhead compartment, right next to the dinglers and crawdads. Might as well make yourself a nanners sandwich with all these nanners. My wife left me.

7. Poison

Crazy Dr. Insane has escaped from the asylum and seized control of the National Poison Center, located in Providence's up-and-coming Jewelry District. No one knows what sort of diabolical schemes he has up his sleeve this time, but with access to all that poison, he has all of Providence on high alert. If even a tiny bit of the poison breaches its delicate metal tank casings, residents could be stricken with diarrhea or an unsightly rash.

8. Dave Matthews Band

Have you heard the Dave Matthews Band song So Much To Say? Well get ready to hear it all day, everyday, because that's the only song they play in Providence. To make matters worse, Dave Matthews Band performs there constantly, resulting in even louder renditions of So Much To Say, some of which include unpleasant augmented jam sections. Note that DMB jams in a jazz-style format, incorporating extended solos for each member of its 14-piece band. And don't even think about buying earplugs, on account of the foam shortage. Just a few seconds of that terrible song will have you running for the hills, exposing you to poison ivy, insect rash, and head yeast.

14 Health Hacks For A New, Healthier You In 2014!

We're two weeks into the new year, which means your new year's resolution has probably been broken. Fortunately, there are a few tips that can help improve wellness and lead to a new, healthier you!

1. Take A Shit

Persons who make bowel movements are shown to be in far better health than those who do not.

2. Soak Your Hair In Olive Oil

© 2010 Organicxbenefits

Preheat oven and cook at 350 degrees each side, stirring occasionally. Marinate overnight with herbs and spices for added flavor. Add zest for added zest.

3. Roll Around In Your Own Filth

Unknown via Wikimedia Commons / cc-by-2.0

Perhaps you've heard that pigs are the cleanest animals on the planet. Way cleaner than humans. What's their secret? Turns out it's no secret at all - they lay and bathe in a pool of wet, muddy grossness and excrement all day long. Rolling in filth is increasingly being embraced by progressive hygienists in the U.S. and abroad.

4. Eat An Entire Cake

2dayblog.com

Scientists have proved unequivocally that eating an entire cake is bad for your health. And everyone knows that science is wrong about everything and/or does not exist. Therefore, eating a whole cake in one sitting improves wellness by 300%.

5. Unjustly Invade Foreign Land, Fall In Love With Enemy Female, Learn Their Ways, Risk Everything And Join Their Side

Photo / 20th Century Fox via Wikimedia Commons

Photo / Tig Productions via Facebook

Sure, your peers are fighting an unjust war. But you've got a heart of gold, and love has shown you the path of righteousness.

6. Store Several Loaded, Cocked Guns In Every Bed In Your Home

Guns deter burglars and solicitors. And having them loaded and ready to fire reduces the time it will take to shoot at enemies. Remember: the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with several guns stowed near children.

7. Pretend to Wash Your Hands

Lance Cpl. Casey Jones [PD] via Wikimedia Commons

Why spend all that time and energy washing your hands when you can just pretend? Washing your hands only rids them of harmless bacteria like e. coli and hepatitis. Before exiting the bathroom following a huge diarrhea, just run the water for a couple seconds and get your hands wet - anyone in the vicinity will totally think that you washed them! Suckers!

HINT: Here's a tip - to save even MORE time, don't even turn the water on. Just make a hand washing motion in the area of the sink.

8. Garnish Your Next Meal With Trash

Cost-effective AND delicious, nothing spruces up those boring family dinners like trash!

9. Find Buried Treasure

diggin4treasure.org

Studies have shown that wealthy = healthy. And what better way to get rich quick than finding buried treasure? The ground is filled with hidden gold and jewels, just waiting to be discovered.

10. Scare-elephant

Scott

You've heard of scarecrows. But how many times has your home actually been raided and destroyed by crows? Probably once or twice, at the most. Seems like we're practicing a disproportionate amount of crow-prevention while ignoring other potential risks. What about elephant stampedes? It's one of those things you don't think about until it happens. And what animals are elephants famously afraid of? That's right - squirrels. Install a few of these squirrel replicas on your property to ward off unwanted elephants.

11. Seduce And Blackmail Foreign Dignitary

Mykhailo Markiv/Reuters

Studies have shown that wealthy = healthy. And what better way to get rich quick than seducing and blackmailing a high-profile foreign dignitary?

12. I Tried Burrowing A Hole In The Ground For Shortcut To China But It Didn't Work

Looneyboo

This is a common misconception. I emerged in Russia instead.

13. Stow A Live Tuna In The Overhead Compartment

Facebook: Marc Towers

Tuna makes for a great mid-flight snack on those long journeys to see your secret wife and family in South America.

14. E-Mail Long, Impassioned Racist Diatribes To Co-Workers

A safe and effective way to blow off steam and reduce stress, thereby increasing wellness. Be sure to refer to anyone with a different ethnic background as "you people".